Technobsession.

Another "what should I do?" letter sent in to Cary Tennis over at Salon, this time about a boyfriend obsessed with gadgets:

    "I have been dating a man for more than three years. He just turned 40 and I am 30."

Without reading further, I can already tell your relationship is fucked. Any age gap more than four or five years is asking for trouble; and the younger you are, and the wider the gap is, the more trouble you'll experience. Unless you're in a nursing home and all your prospects are in the 70-100 year range. Then I don't think it matters so much anymore.

    "The relationship has been up and down for our entire time together, yet we always seem to find our way back to one another after our frequent disagreements."

Translation: I have daddy issues, an inferiority complex, and a fear of being alone, all of which manifest as the need to be validated as a human being via my relationship status. I am addicted to the drama in our relationship because negative attention is better than no attention at all. Additionally, I am too (willfully?) naive to understand that my father figure/boyfriend gets off on mindfucking me.

    "One of my primary issues with him is that he is constantly checking his iPhone and laptop."

This is one of your primary issues with him? 'Primary', from the root 'prime', meaning 'first', suggests that something else about him ties as tops on your list of Things That Piss Me Off. You would do well to inventory that list instead of trying to whitewash this guy by attempting to soften your language.

    "I work full-time and attend law school in the evenings, so our time is limited to late evenings and weekends."

You don't mention how many hours a week he puts in at his job, so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this might be the tie for 'Primary'. Because let's see... a full-time job is generally 35-40 hours per week, and it sounds like your law school is part-time. Figure six hours a week classroom plus another six to ten hours in homework, projects, etc, and you've got a second job to the tune of 12-16 hours per week. A grand total of 47-56 hours put in by you - not including your commutes, errand running, and any (all?) housework you're responsible for once you get home. Then you need time to unwind and decompress... So yeah, your time with him is at a premium and if he works fewer hours than you do, he should get his online time while you're away. One point in your corner, at least.

    "He is a software engineer by trade, so I do understand that he feels an attachment to technology that I don't necessarily share. But I am fed up with feeling like a secondhand citizen to gadgets!"

Damn it, quit mincing words! It's embarrassing. Look, just because someone's a technophile doesn't mean they get a free pass to be a socially moronic troglodyte. There's nothing wrong with having what Eddie Izzard calls 'techno-joy', but healthy technophiles have affinities, not attachments. That means they can not only put the gadgets down and completely unplug for a while, they might even enjoy doing so. Anyone who is to the point of 'attachment' and making you feel 'like a secondhand citizen to gadgets' has more problems than can be fixed through an advice column - and frankly, so do the people who put up with such shit.

    "I can't count the number of times we go out for dinner and at the slightest pause in conversation he whips out his iPhone and begins surfing the Web, etc. When I ask him to put it away and focus on the human being sitting across from him, he tells me, "This is the wave of the future ... in 15 years we'll have chips in our eyes and be constantly linked to the Internet" or some other lame scenario. When we are relaxing in the evening, perhaps watching a show, he is compelled to be surfing the Web at the same time."

This isn't affinity, or even attachment - this is addiction. Seriously, chica, listen to yourself! Replace the word 'iPhone' with 'alcohol' or 'heroin' or 'crystal meth' and you'd be a lot less inclined to dupe yourself, wouldn't you? Your boyfriend has an addiction, and like any other addiction, the addict will not change unless they want to change and have the tools to maintain the change over time. Seeing as your boy is around computers all day as a career... well, good luck with that.

(And besides, if he actually believes these 'lame scenarios' he uses to justify his joneses, then it's not just the scenarios which are lame. Protip: Neither I, nor anyone I know, would hire a lawyer whose significant other can be stereotyped as the creepy/pathetic Cheetoes-eating guy who wishes he lived on The Enterprise instead of in his mother's basement and cringes from soap, water, and 'The Daystar'.)

    "Am I wrong to think that this is extremely rude behavior?"

No.

Well, on second thought, yes. You're wrong to think his behavior is rude because 'rude' is not the proper category for this crap. The kid at McDonald's who is too busy texting the fry cook to take my order is rude. Anyone who talks on their cell while using the toilet is rude (not to mention incredibly disgusting). What you're putting up with is a maladaptive social disorder displayed by someone with stunted development and a completely selfish lack of respect for anyone other than himself. And in the context of what is purported to be a serious romantic relationship, it is also neglect - which is a form of abuse.

    "I'm beginning to daydream about snapping his laptop in two across my knee or hurling his iPhone out of an open car window while driving obnoxiously fast ... I periodically tease him by saying, "If an iPhone had breasts, you wouldn't need a girlfriend."

Doing violence to his toys would be a Pyrrhic victory at best - in fact, it would serve as an excuse to upgrade, and I'm sure that would only anger you further. The solution isn't getting rid of his toys, but getting rid of him. As it is, he doesn't need a girlfriend except, perhaps, as a status symbol (in the land of perpetual virginity, the man who gets laid is king). Oh, and the breasts? I'm pretty sure there's an app for that.

    "Communication has always been a problem area of ours, and this technology dependence seems to make our ability to communicate even worse. He doesn't remember little things I share with him because he's not really focused or listening."

If you insist on trying to make this relationship work, may I suggest e-mail, IM services, Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace?  It'll be a great litmus test - if you hit him up electronically and he still fails to give a shit about anything you're saying, then you know he simply doesn't give a shit and the technology has nothing to do with it.

    "I've raised my concerns with him. He becomes defensive immediately. I think he is intentionally not getting it because he doesn't want to change behavior. Or maybe he's addicted to the Web. What are your thoughts, Cary? FYI: He reads your column religiously ... I think he'd listen to you."

Grrr... What did I say earlier about whitewashing and mincing words??

Yes, he is most likely addicted to the Web. The rub is 'Why?'. Why would he be addicted to the Internet? For the same reasons others become addicted to alcohol and other mind-altering chemicals:

Because the addict can't deal with reality and they want to escape from it.

And just as there are no answers in the bottom of a bottle or pipe, there are no true answers on the Internet, either - only (mis)guidance doled out by advice columnists who can be silenced with a quick click of a mouse. Even if Ms. Tennis' advice to you were worth a tinker's dam (and it's not - how far would doing nothing more than spending five minutes putting down the crack pipe heal a relationship? Exactly.), it would only stand a chance if you both were willing to put in the effort to address grievances like adults, mutually prioritize your paradigms, and follow through with compromises.

Go with your gut. If you know instinctually that he does not want to and will not change, then for the love of all that's holy do yourself a favor and get out. Don't rationalize it with crap like, 'But I'll be throwing away three years of my life!' because:

A) it's already past and you can't get it back;

B) you spent that time learning to be a doormat, which means you can deconstruct it and learn how to never let it happen to you again;

C) there's no shame in admitting defeat when winning is not a possibility;

D) if you don't cut your losses now you may not have the strength later to escape the event horizon of his self-destruction.

Have some dignity. For the sake of your mental and emotional health, and your professional image, DTMFA.