The Best of Dumber Than Advertised (The Gas Station Years, Part 3)

Doing shift change paperwork. In looking over the safe count reading I find that 2nd shift overlooked a brick of pennies which is clearly stamped by the bank, "PENNIES $25". *facepalm*

More fun with the mathematically illiterate. A woman had a $16 Lotto credit and after about a minute and a half of trying to figure out how many $2 tickets she could get for $16 she told me to give her "sixteen dollars' worth". When she came back in a few minutes later with $8 credit she merely pointed at the tickets she wanted and grunted.

GAH! ASSHOLES DO VEX ME!!! Someone drove off with $30 in gas during a rush. People cut the line and literally threw money at me for gas because they didn't want to wait in the queue like everyone else. Someone bitched vehemently about gas and cigarette prices, paused as though expecting sympathy &/or a discount, then continued bitching when they received neither. People who'd been standing in line for up to ten minutes waited until getting to the counter before slowly digging for money in their pockets. Someone threw a fit because no one sells money orders after 11 PM. Someone else complained because we don't take checks for cellular cards. Multiple people complained about getting carded. Someone wearing next to nothing bitched at me to hurry up because she was freezing, handed me a hundred dollar bill for $5 gas, then bitched about having to wait on the safe for her change. Someone left a used and unwrapped tampon on the bathroom floor next to the trashcan. And yet there was one douche bag who trumped all of these contenders:

"Hey Jennifer, how you doing?" (My name is on my badge.)
"I'm good, and yourself?"
"You don't recognize me, do you?"
"No sir, sorry, I don't. Should I know you from somewhere?"
"You don't recognize me because I'm black."
"No, I don't recognize you because you're not one of my regulars."
"No, it's because I'm black! I used to come in here all the time!"
"Oh yeah? How long ago? What shift?"
"Late evening, about six months ago."
"Funny, because I wasn't working here then and this is the overnight shift. I guess all us honkies look alike, huh?"
"........."
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Have a good night and don't worry, I'll definitely remember you the next time you're in."

Some asshat drove off with $40 in gas. I tried to flag him down in the parking lot while getting his tag number and when he didn't stop, I called the cops. The cops escorted him back about ten minutes later. The driver claimed he thought his credit card had gone through at the pump, that he didn't see me chasing his vehicle, and that he's a commercial driver and would never knowingly put his license in jeopardy. I pointed out that I'd told him over the intercom that his card hadn't gone through and that he acknowledged this by hanging the pump back up and started over by selecting "Pay Inside" to get the pump authorized - would he like to see the video footage of all this? The cop raised an eyebrow; he mumbled something and paid cash, which is very strange if he knew his card was good. Yeah, my faith in humanity strengthens each day I'm on this planet.

A customer returned an un-opened pack of condoms because "it wasn't a good night". It's sad that he doesn't anticipate a better night any time in the next few years before the condoms expire. It's doubly sad that he was so tongue-tied with embarrassment that it took fifteen minutes for me to figure out if this was a refund or an exchange for different merchandise.

A customer wanted an atlas of Carrollton. He was specific in wanting an atlas rather than a map. (Note: Carrollton is maybe ten miles wide from end to end - one can drive across it in about five minutes, with lights.)

A young customer told me about exchanging shots with someone in the Wal-Mart parking lot a few minutes ago and how one of the bullets fell out of his gun and landed on his floorboard. He wanted to assure me that although he had pulled in to look for the bullet, he wasn't going to rob me. The only reason I didn't hit the panic button is because he was the same regular who offered to shoot my robber dead if I provided identifying information.

A customer lamented the cost of a six-pack of Heinekin but said he refused to drink domestic beer. "I could but it'd be like a one night stand - I'd hate myself in the morning."

After looking over the medicine section, a customer asked if we had any single-dose packets of DayQuil. I handed it to him and he wondered aloud why he hadn't seen it. "Probably because you need it," I answered, earning a laugh.

While giving another customer direction, one customer actually said, "You can't miss it, it's a little hole-in-the-wall town."

A customer had $5.24 to pay for the $5 gas he'd pumped and an $.82 can of soda. When I voided the soda he stared at me as though in shock.

I'm in Retail Purgatory. With the elimination of the Deli manager went her boombox. I have the option of eight hours of Muzak... or silence. *twitch*

Someone came in speaking either a variety of Pidgin English or else had an extremely thick accent which I couldn't place. Given the number of Katrina evacuees in the area my first guess is hard-core Creole; my second guess is South Carolina Geechie. Regardless, I couldn't understand a single word he said which only served to piss him off further and make his accent thicker. At least the other customers got a good show.

The Lotto machine goes down and it's the end of the fucking world. The barcode scanner stopped working and keying it in manually wasn't working, so I couldn't validate his ticket. I explained the problem and told him where else he could cash his ticket in the area before state-wide machine shut-down. "Well, that's just my luck," he muttered. "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any at all!" I refrained from asking why he gambled if all he had was bad luck.

Mentally ill customer, stinky, talking to self, batting at the air, jerking around to see behind her, staring at the overhead lights, seems paranoid. Yikes. Reminds me of a cracked-out version of Willem from Clerks.

Found a pouch with a used crack pipe in it laying on the asphalt outside the store. Cops are on their way to retrieve it Yay.